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October
Samvat 1974, Bhadrapad Krishna, 12. Gandhiji's birthday (according to the Gujarati calendar). Soon after getting up at 4 a.m. we all went to Bapuji's room, sat outside for some time and sang hymns. Bapuji listened to them as he kept lying in his bed. Then we went in one after another to do our pranams (bows) to Bapuji. He was deeply moved at the sight of so many paying him their respects and said:
"Am I really fit for all this love you have shown me by coming over here this morning?" I ask myself, and I think I do not deserve this love. Even for outsiders I do not indulge in a language that is courteous but insincere. Much less would I do so in the case of the Ashramites. What I have said is not at all from conventional politeness. The feeling wells out from the heart that I do not deserve this deep love you have showered on me. Great expectations can rightly be cherished from the man who is wedded to the dharma of service. Compared with those expectations, what I have done is nothing. You all too have made it your dharma to serve others. I tell you, you must conserve your feelings and keep them locked up in your hearts. Manifestation of devotion for a man who is still living is bad in principle. So long as a man is alive, he continues to do something or other.
How then can we judge him on the basis of all his actions except after his death? And even after death it takes some time to enable one to form a proper estimate of his worth. That is why birth-day celebrations of a living person are unadvisable.
I wonder what more I should say. Before 4 a.m. this morning I was pondering over the question Surendraji had put me. He had asked me, "What is the utmost you expect from me ? What from Devdas ? And what from Chhotelal? Instead of telling you individually what I expect from each one of you, I will tell you what expectation I entertain from one and all of you in general. You must faithfully keep our vow of Truth which from first to last is the one thing that matters in life. We have regarded truth as a synonym for final beatitude and so we must stick to it at any cost. Through your individual activity in pursuit of that vow, you all may realize, I pray, the aims and ideals of the Ashram as best as you can and thus raise its prestige. The Ashram will be judged from the sum-total of your work and character. It has been established for the service of India. And our goal is to serve the Self through the service of the country. There are quite a number of critics of the Ashram and its inmates. That does not matter. No institution is ever free from criticism. If we but practise truth, our first principle of life, we need not be afraid of any criticism whatsoever. It would be quite a different story if we are insincere and make a pretence of following truth. But I cannot believe that anybody in the Ashram has any doubts about the propriety of making truth our one goal of life. The Ashram is neither more nor less than our own character in the aggregate. I wish that everyone of us, therefore, develops his strength of character so that the sum-total may grow big. Frequently I look into myself to find out how far I practise this vow of truth and I find many weaknesses in me. I do not know whether I shall be able to do away with all of them before the period of my life expires. The flaws in the Ashram and in you are really due to my own shortcomings and I appeal to you all to pray to God to remove your defects and mine and to grant me success in the work I have undertaken. I will try my best to be fit for the love and devotion you have rained on me today. May God grant me strength enough to deserve it! May you too succeed in your respective fields of activity! I pray to God to enable us to help one another. What more can I say? Your love and devotion are bound to help you in your life's journey. So now you may leave me and immerse yourselves in your respective duties."
Severe set-back in Bapu's health since early last night. The crisis continued throughout from the second to the tenth instant. Letters to Devdas, Harilal and Chhotelal. All through the period Bapu lived the life of the ideal man as depicted in the Gita. He studied the Second Discourse and specially chanted the verse Hindi text[1] etc. 200 times. He was actually enjoying the state of sublime peace narrated in it.
Influenza raging in the Ashram. Shankarlal Parikh is the worst affected. Though weak himself Bapu wrote the following letter to Gangabehn as soon as he came to know of the illnesses in her family. "I could read only today your card telling me that you, Kiki and others had fallen ill. I was glad to learn, however, that by the grace of God you are all progressing. The body of the person who has chosen to follow the dharma of service must become as strong as steel as a result of his holy work. Our ancestors could build such tough bodies in the past. But today we are reduced to a state of miserable weakness and are easily infected by noxious germs moving about in the air. There is one and only one really effective way by which we can save ourselves from them even in our present broken state of health. That way is the way of self-restraint or of imposing a limit on our acts. The doctors say?and they are right? that in influenza our body is safest from any risk to life if we attend to two things. Even after we feel that we have recovered, we must continue to take complete rest in bed and have only an easily digestible liquid food. So early as on the third day after the fever has subsided many persons resume their work and their usual diet. The result is a relapse and quite often a fatal relapse. I request you all, therefore, to keep to your beds for some days still. And I wish you kept me informed about the health of you all. I am myself confined to bed still. It appears I shall have to keep to it for many days more, but it can be said that I am getting better. The doctors have forbidden me even to dictate letters, but how could I have the heart to desist from writing to you ? If it is inconvenient to stay there for long, and if you like it, you may certainly come over here. There are at present 10 beds in the Ashram, but only Bhai Shankarlal Parikh's case can be regarded as 'dangerous,' though today even he seems to be on the road to recovery.
Mohandas Gandhi"
Ever since the death of Harilal's wife, Bapu has begun to write daily to him but today's letter is rather remarkable :
"I have your card. Nothing in particular strikes me today, which I would like to write to you. I have been thinking over and over again as to how you can become your old self and remain so. If I knew of any word of consolation that could restore your spirits, I would gladly say it at once. I do not know if you have seen the world as it really is. For myself I can say I perceive the world in its grim reality every moment. I find it exactly as our sages of yore have described it in order to alert us, and the realization is so vivid and clear that I feel no interest at all in this world. There is bound to be work as long as the body lasts, and so the only thing I love is to be engrossed in activities of the purest type. There is no exagge- ration if I say that the self-restraint, which I practise in order to enable me to keep myself engaged in these activities, wings me to a heaven of supernal bliss. Man can enjoy real happiness to the extent that he understands and acts upon this method of gaining it. Even this grief can be deemed as a God-sent blessing, if it induces in you a state of mind that yearns and strives after this happiness. Please meditate over all this that has been written, if your mind can free itself from its present mood and think. All of us are keeping well. All the invalids are improving. I too feel better. I do not write a separate letter to Ba under the presumption that you must be reading to her all my letters to you."
November
- "Dear Mr. Shastriar,
I thank for your note and I fully understand and appreciate the spirit that has prompted it. I assure you that I take the greatest possible care I can of my health. It is no joke for a man who has rarely been laid up in bed to be made to have more than three months' experience of it. And if my sickness is still further prolonged, it will be due to my ignorance, or folly, or both. I cannot ascribe any relapse to want of skill or attention or to want of medical friends. They are helpless by reason of what to them are my crankisms. But they have become part of myself and give me the greatest comfort and joy even when I am suffering excruciating pain. Here is an extract about the late Dr. Deva from a letter from the Rev. F.Z. Hodge of Motihari. He is a missionary of exceptional independence and liberal thought. I hope you are keeping well or rather as well as you can under the strain that exacting public work imposes upon you.
M. K. Gandhi"
From my letter to him regarding Bapu's behaviour in this illness. Maulana Mohmmad Ali wrote a letter to Bapu earnestly pleading against his vow of dietary restrictions. Bapus' reply:
"Dear Friend,
It was a perfect delight to receive a letter from you after ages as it were. The letters from you all are evidence of your great affection for me for which I am deeply grateful and if, as some return for it, I could strain the letter of my vow and do what you suggest I should gladly do so. But there is no getting out of the self-imposed restraint. I should be false to God and man and to myself, if I disregarded the vow taken after the fullest deliberation. All my usefulness will be entirely gone if yielding to so many friends' advice, I consider my position. I regard this sickness as a time of trial and temptation for me and what I need is the prayerful support and encouragement of friends. I assure you that within the four corners of the restriction I take every precaution possible in order to preserve the body. Just now a medical friend has appeared on the scene who has undertaken to give me physical strength by message, ice application and deep breathing. He thinks that in two months' time I shall have put on sufficient flesh and weight to be able to move out and undertake mental strain. His treatment is rational and natural. What is more, I have confidence in it and with proper dietetic changes I do hope that the friend's prophecy will be fulfilled.
I have had the charges (against you) read to me. I have never read a weaker or a flimsier indictment and think that your reply will be decisive, straight and dignified. It is evident to me that the Committee has been appointed to furnish the Government with an escape. Anyway, we can now contemplate the findings of the Committee with complete indifference. Your defence is so overwhelmingly strong that if the Committee's finding is hostile, an agitation can be raised which will make India resound with indignation over the monstrous injustice under which you have laboured so long and so patiently. I wish I was with you in Chhindwada to assist in drawing up your reply, but that was not to be.
Please give my respect to Amma Saheb. I am pining to meet you all and to meet the children and come in closer touch with you. As I said at the Lucknow meeting, my interest in your release is quite selfish. We have a common goal and I want to utilize your services to the uttermost in order to reach the goal.
In the proper solution of the Mohammedan question lies the realization of Swarajya. However, more of this when we meet, as I hope we shall soon do.
M. K. Gandhi"
Under the assumption that her operation would end fatally, Mrs. Sarojini Naidu had written what she thought was her last letter to Bapu. This is his reply written on the same day as the preceding letter:
"Dear Sister,
I appreciated your little note. I observe that you have survived the operation. I hope that it will be entirely successful, so that India for many a year to come continue to hear your songs. For me I do not know when I shall be able to leave this sick-bed of mine. Somehow or other I cannot put on flesh and gain more strength than I have. I am making a mighty attempt. The doctors, of course, despair in face of the self-imposed restrictions under which I am labouring. I assure you that they have been my greatest consolation during this protracted illness. I have no desire whatsoever to live upon condition of breaking those dis-ciplinary and invigorating restrictions. For me, although they restrict the body somewhat, they free the soul and they give me a consciousness of it which I should not otherwise possess. 'You can't serve God and Mammon' has a clearer and deeper meaning for me after these vows. I do not infer that they are necessary for all, but they are for me. If I broke them, I feel that I should be perfectly worthless.
Do let me have an occasional line from you.
M. K. Gandhi"
Chi. Harilal[2],
A message was sent to you yesterday intimating the condition of my health. Today I give more details. My health can be regarded as both 'good' and 'bad'. The feeling persists that there is no improvement in some essential matters. No complaint can rightly be made about my food. Friends advise me to go out for a change of air and I am inclined to agree with them. I am, therefore, thinking of going out and making the necessary arrangements. It would be good if you could come over here before I leave. Do tell me everything that is surging in your mind without any constraint. Am I not your father and so the right person to be perfectly frank with? I will be your friend in the true sense of the word, and where is the harm if we find there is a difference of views between us on any scheme you may be thinking of? We will discuss it threadbare and the final decision will rest with you. I can quite understand that your present state is like that of a man who is dazed and dreaming. Your responsibilities have increased, your trials have increased and so will be temptations that come your way increase. The very existence of the wife is a great sobering and restraining influence in the life of a married man. There is no longer that controlling force over you now. You are now on the cross-road and you have to choose which one to take. The first line of a hymn often sung in the Ashram is "God is the strength and succour of the weak." Man prays to God for help only when he sheds his egotism and is humble enough to realize his nothingness before God. In my sick-bed I have been realizing vividly how weak and contemptible we are, how filled with infatuation and hatred and what power the passion have to sweep us off our feet. I am often ashamed of the meanness of my mind. Many times it happens that I get disappointed with myself at the fact that my body is pampered so much and I wish its total extincttion. From watching the states of my own mind I can gauge those of other minds also, and I will give you the fullest benefit of my experiences. You will learn therefrom as much as you have the capacity to assimilate. But all that is possible only if you come over here.
Bapu"
