Finnegans Wake/Book 1/Chapter 2

    Now (to forebare for ever solittle of Iris Trees and Lili O'Ran- 1

gans), concerning the genesis of Harold or Humphrey Chimp- 2

den's occupational agnomen (we are back in the presurnames 3

prodromarith period, of course just when enos chalked halltraps) 4

and discarding once for all those theories from older sources which 5

would link him back with such pivotal ancestors as the Glues, the 6

Gravys, the Northeasts, the Ankers and the Earwickers of Sidles- 7

ham in the Hundred of Manhood or proclaim him offsprout of 8

vikings who had founded wapentake and seddled hem in Herrick 9

or Eric, the best authenticated version, the Dumlat, read the 10

Reading of Hofed-ben-Edar, has it that it was this way. We are 11

told how in the beginning it came to pass that like cabbaging 12

Cincinnatus the grand old gardener was saving daylight under his 13

redwoodtree one sultry sabbath afternoon, Hag Chivychas Eve, 14

in prefall paradise peace by following his plough for rootles in the 15

rere garden of mobhouse, ye olde marine hotel, when royalty was 16

announced by runner to have been pleased to have halted itself on 17

the highroad along which a leisureloving dogfox had cast fol- 18

lowed, also at walking pace, by a lady pack of cocker spaniels. For- 19

getful of all save his vassal's plain fealty to the ethnarch Humphrey 20

or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle but stumbled out hotface 21

as he was (his sweatful bandanna loose from his pocketcoat) hast- 22

ing to the forecourts of his public in topee, surcingle, solascarf and 23

plaid, plus fours, puttees and bulldog boots ruddled cinnabar with 24

flagrant marl, jingling his turnpike keys and bearing aloft amid 1

the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a 2

flowerpot was fixed earthside hoist with care. On his majesty, who 3

was, or often feigned to be, noticeably longsighted from green 4

youth and had been meaning to inquire what, in effect, had caused 5

yon causeway to be thus potholed, asking substitutionally to be 6

put wise as to whether paternoster and silver doctors were not 7

now more fancied bait for lobstertrapping honest blunt Harom- 8

phreyld answered in no uncertain tones very similarly with a fear- 9

less forehead: Naw, yer maggers, aw war jist a cotchin on thon 10

bluggy earwuggers. Our sailor king, who was draining a gugglet 11

of obvious adamale, gift both and gorban, upon this, ceasing to 12

swallow, smiled most heartily beneath his walrus moustaches and 13

indulging that none too genial humour which William the Conk 14

on the spindle side had inherited with the hereditary whitelock 15

and some shortfingeredness from his greataunt Sophy, turned to- 16

wards two of his retinue of gallowglasses, Michael, etheling lord 17

of Leix and Offaly and the jubilee mayor of Drogheda, Elcock, 18

(the two scatterguns being Michael M. Manning, protosyndic of 19

Waterford and an Italian excellency named Giubilei according to 20

a later version cited by the learned scholarch Canavan of Can- 21

makenoise), in either case a triptychal religious family symbolising 22

puritas of doctrina, business per usuals and the purchypatch of 23

hamlock where the paddish preties grow and remarked dilsydul- 24

sily: Holybones of Saint Hubert how our red brother of Pour- 25

ingrainia would audibly fume did he know that we have for sur- 26

trusty bailiwick a turnpiker who is by turns a pikebailer no sel- 27

domer than an earwigger For he kinned Jom Pill with his court 28

so gray and his haunts in his house in the mourning. (One still 29

hears that pebble crusted laughta, japijap cheerycherrily, among 30

the roadside tree the lady Holmpatrick planted and still one feels 31

the amossive silence of the cladstone allegibelling: Ive mies outs 32

ide Bourn.) Comes the question are these the facts of his nom- 33

inigentilisation as recorded and accolated in both or either of the 34

collateral andrewpaulmurphyc narratives. Are those their fata 35

which we read in sibylline between the fas and its nefas? No dung 36

on the road? And shall Nohomiah be our place like? Yea, Mulachy 1

our kingable khan? We shall perhaps not so soon see. Pinck 2

poncks that bail for seeks alicence where cumsceptres with scen- 3

taurs stay. Bear in mind, son of Hokmah, if so be you have me- 4

theg in your midness, this man is mountain and unto changeth 5

doth one ascend. Heave we aside the fallacy, as punical as finikin, 6

that it was not the king kingself but his inseparable sisters, un- 7

controllable nighttalkers, Skertsiraizde with Donyahzade, who 8

afterwards, when the robberers shot up the socialights, came down 9

into the world as amusers and were staged by Madame Sudlow 10

as Rosa and Lily Miskinguette in the pantalime that two pitts 11

paythronosed, Miliodorus and Galathee. The great fact emerges 12

that after that historic date all holographs so far exhumed ini- 13

tialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E. and while he was 14

only and long and always good Dook Umphrey for the hunger- 15

lean spalpeens of Lucalizod and Chimbers to his cronies it was 16

equally certainly a pleasant turn of the populace which gave him 17

as sense of those normative letters the nickname Here Comes 18

Everybody. An imposing everybody he always indeed looked, 19

constantly the same as and equal to himself and magnificently well 20

worthy of any and all such universalisation, every time he con- 21

tinually surveyed, amid vociferatings from in front of Accept these 22

few nutties! and Take off that white hat!, relieved with Stop his Grog 23

and Put It in the Log and Loots in his (bassvoco) Boots, from good 24

start to happy finish the truly catholic assemblage gathered together 25

in that king's treat house of satin alustrelike above floats and foot- 26

lights from their assbawlveldts and oxgangs unanimously to clap- 27

plaud (the inspiration of his lifetime and the hits of their careers) 28

Mr Wallenstein Washington Semperkelly's immergreen tourers 29

in a command performance by special request with the courteous 30

permission for pious purposes the homedromed and enliventh 31

performance of the problem passion play of the millentury, running 32

strong since creation, A Royal Divorce, then near the approach 33

towards the summit of its climax, with ambitious interval band 34

selections from The Bo' Girl and The Lily on all horserie show 35

command nights from his viceregal booth (his bossaloner is ceil- 36

inged there a cuckoospit less eminent than the redritualhoods of 1

Maccabe and Cullen) where, a veritable Napoleon the Nth, our 2

worldstage's practical jokepiece and retired cecelticocommediant 3

in his own wise, this folksforefather all of the time sat, having the 4

entirety of his house about him, with the invariable broadstretched 5

kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in 6

a wardrobe panelled tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt 7

well entitled a swallowall, on every point far outstarching the 8

laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit 9

stalls and early amphitheatre. The piece was this: look at the lamps. 10

The cast was thus: see under the clock. Ladies circle: cloaks may 11

be left. Pit, prommer and parterre, standing room only. Habituels 12

conspicuously emergent. 13

    A baser meaning has been read into these characters the literal 14

sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been blur- 15

tingly bruited by certain wisecrackers (the stinks of Mohorat are 16

in the nightplots of the morning), that he suffered from a vile 17

disease. Athma, unmanner them! To such a suggestion the one 18

selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements 19

which ought not to be, and one should like to hope to be able to 20

add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors, 21

who, an imperfectly warmblooded race, apparently conceive him 22

as a great white caterpillar capable of any and every enormity in 23

the calendar recorded to the discredit of the Juke and Kellikek 24

families, mended their case by insinuating that, alternately, he lay 25

at one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying Welsh 26

fusiliers in the people's park. Hay, hay, hay! Hoq, hoq, hoq! 27

Faun and Flora on the lea love that little old joq. To anyone who 28

knew and loved the christlikeness of the big cleanminded giant 29

H. C. Earwicker throughout his excellency long vicefreegal exis- 30

tence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth nosing for trou- 31

ble in a boobytrap rings particularly preposterous. Truth, beard 32

on prophet, compels one to add that there is said to have been 33

quondam (pfuit! pfuit!) some case of the kind implicating, it is 34

interdum believed, a quidam (if he did not exist it would be ne- 35

cessary quoniam to invent him) abhout that time stambuling ha- 36

round Dumbaling in leaky sneakers with his tarrk record who 1

has remained topantically anonymos but (let us hue him Abdul- 2

lah Gamellaxarksky) was, it is stated, posted at Mallon's at the 3

instance of watch warriors of the vigilance committee and years 4

afterwards, cries one even greater, Ibid, a commender of the 5

frightful, seemingly, unto such as were sulhan sated, tropped head 6

(pfiat! pfiat!) waiting his first of the month froods turn for 7

thatt chopp pah kabbakks alicubi on the old house for the charge- 8

hard, Roche Haddocks off Hawkins Street. Lowe, you blondy 9

liar, Gob scene you in the narked place and she what's edith ar 10

home defileth these boyles! There's a cabful of bash indeed in 11

the homeur of that meal. Slander, let it lie its flattest, has never 12

been able to convict our good and great and no ordinary Southron 13

Earwicker, that homogenius man, as a pious author called him, of 14

any graver impropriety than that, advanced by some woodwards 15

or regarders, who did not dare deny, the shomers, that they had, 16

chin Ted, chin Tam, chinchin Taffyd, that day consumed their 17

soul of the corn, of having behaved with ongentilmensky im- 18

modus opposite a pair of dainty maidservants in the swoolth of 19

the rushy hollow whither, or so the two gown and pinners plead- 20

ed, dame nature in all innocency had spontaneously and about the 21

same hour of the eventide sent them both but whose published 22

combinations of silkinlaine testimonies are, where not dubiously 23

pure, visibly divergent, as wapt from wept, on minor points touch- 24

ing the intimate nature of this, a first offence in vert or venison 25

which was admittedly an incautious but, at its wildest, a partial ex- 26

posure with such attenuating circumstances (garthen gaddeth green 27

hwere sokeman brideth girling) as an abnormal Saint Swithin's 28

summer and, (Jesses Rosasharon!) a ripe occasion to provoke it. 29

    We can't do without them. Wives, rush to the restyours! Of- 30

man will toman while led is the lol. Zessid's our kadem, villa- 31

pleach, vollapluck. Fikup, for flesh nelly, el mundo nov, zole flen ! 32

If she's a lilyth, pull early! Pauline, allow! And malers abushed, 33

keep black, keep black! Guiltless of much laid to him he was 34

clearly for once at least he clearly expressed himself as being with 35

still a trace of his erstwhile burr sod hence it has been received of 36

us that it is true. They tell the story (an amalgam as absorbing as 1

calzium chloereydes and hydrophobe sponges could make it) how 2

one happygogusty Ides-of-April morning (the anniversary, as it 3

fell out, of his first assumption of his mirthday suit and rights in 4

appurtenance to the confusioning of human races) ages and ages 5

after the alleged misdemeanour when the tried friend of all crea- 6

tion, tigerwood roadstaff to his stay, was billowing across the 7

wide expanse of our greatest park in his caoutchouc kepi and 8

great belt and hideinsacks and his blaufunx fustian and ironsides 9

jackboots and Bhagafat gaiters and his rubberised inverness, he 10

met a cad with a pipe. The latter, the luciferant not the oriuolate 11

(who, the odds are, is still berting dagabout in the same straw 12

bamer, carryin his overgoat under his schulder, sheepside out, so 13

as to look more like a coumfry gentleman and signing the pledge 14

as gaily as you please) hardily accosted him with: Guinness thaw 15

tool in jew me dinner ouzel fin? (a nice how-do-you-do in Pool- 16

black at the time as some of our olddaisers may still tremblingly 17

recall) to ask could he tell him how much a clock it was that the 18

clock struck had he any idea by cock's luck as his watch was 19

bradys. Hesitency was clearly to be evitated. Execration as cleverly 20

to be honnisoid. The Earwicker of that spurring instant, realising 21

on fundamental liberal principles the supreme importance, nexally 22

and noxally, of physical life (the nearest help relay being pingping 23

K. O. Sempatrick's Day and the fenian rising) and unwishful as 24

he felt of being hurled into eternity right then, plugged by a soft- 25

nosed bullet from the sap, halted, quick on the draw, and reply- 26

in that he was feelin tipstaff, cue, prodooced from his gunpocket 27

his Jurgensen's shrapnel waterbury, ours by communionism, his 28

by usucapture, but, on the same stroke, hearing above the skirl- 29

ing of harsh Mother East old Fox Goodman, the bellmaster, over 30

the wastes to south, at work upon the ten ton tonuant thunder- 31

ous tenor toller in the speckled church (Couhounin's call!) told 32

the inquiring kidder, by Jehova, it was twelve of em sidereal and 33

tankard time, adding, buttall, as he bended deeply with smoked 34

sardinish breath to give more pondus to the copperstick he pre- 35

sented (though this seems in some cumfusium with the chap- 36

tuck ginger, which, as being of sours, acids, salts, sweets and 1

bitters compompounded, we know him to have used as chaw- 2

chaw for bone, muscle, blood, flesh and vimvital,) that where- 3

as the hakusay accusation againstm had been made, what was 4

known in high quarters as was stood stated in Morganspost, by 5

a creature in youman form who was quite beneath parr and seve- 6

ral degrees lower than yore triplehydrad snake. In greater sup- 7

port of his word (it, quaint 'anticipation of a famous phrase, has 8

been reconstricted out of oral style into the verbal for all time 9

with ritual rhythmics, in quiritary quietude, and toosammen- 10

stucked from successive accounts by Noah Webster in the re- 11

daction known as the Sayings Attributive of H. C. Earwicker, 12

prize on schillings, postlots free), the flaxen Gygas tapped his 13

chronometrum drumdrum and, now standing full erect, above 14

the ambijacent floodplain, scene of its happening, with one Ber- 15

lin gauntlet chopstuck in the hough of his ellboge (by ancientest 16

signlore his gesture meaning:  !) pointed at an angle of thirty- 17

two degrees towards his duc de Fer's overgrown milestone as 18

fellow to his gage and after a rendypresent pause averred with 19

solemn emotion's fire: Shsh shake, co-comeraid! Me only, them 20

five ones, he is equal combat. I have won straight. Hence my 21

nonation wide hotel and creamery establishments which for the 22

honours of our mewmew mutual daughters, credit me, I am woo- 23

woo willing to take my stand, sir, upon the monument, that sign 24

of our ruru redemption, any hygienic day to this hour and to 25

make my hoath to my sinnfinners, even if I get life for it, upon 26

the Open Bible and before the Great Taskmaster's (I lift my hat!) 27

and in the presence of the Deity Itself andwell of Bishop and 28

Mrs Michan of High Church of England as of all such of said 29

my immediate withdwellers and of every living sohole in every 30

corner wheresoever of this globe in general which useth of my 31

British to my backbone tongue and commutative justice that 32

there is not one tittle of truth, allow me to tell you, in that purest 33

of fibfib fabrications. 34

    Gaping Gill, swift to mate errthors, stern to checkself, (diag- 35

nosing through eustacetube that it was to make with a markedly 36

postpuberal hypertituitary type of Heidelberg mannleich cavern 1

ethics) lufted his slopingforward, bad Sweatagore good mur- 2

rough and dublnotch on to it as he was greedly obliged, and 3

like a sensible ham, with infinite tact in the delicate situation seen 4

the touchy nature of its perilous theme, thanked um for guilders 5

received and time of day (not a little token abock all the same that 6

that was owl the God's clock it was) and, upon humble duty to 7

greet his Tyskminister and he shall gildthegap Gaper and thee his 8

a mouldy voids, went about his business, whoever it was, saluting 9

corpses, as a metter of corse (one could hound him out had one 10

hart to for the monticules of scalp and dandruff droppings blaze 11

his trail) accompanied by his trusty snorler and his permanent 12

reflection, verbigracious; I have met with you, bird, too late, 13

or if not, too worm and early: and with tag for ildiot repeated 14

in his secondmouth language as many of the bigtimer's verbaten 15

words which he could balbly call to memory that same kveldeve, 16

ere the hour of the twattering of bards in the twitterlitter between 17

Druidia and the Deepsleep Sea, when suppertide and souvenir to 18

Charlatan Mall jointly kem gently and along the quiet darkenings 19

of Grand and Royal, ff, flitmansfluh, and, kk, 't crept i' hedge 20

whenas to many a softongue's pawkytalk mude unswer u sufter 21

poghyogh, Arvanda always aquiassent, while, studying castelles 22

in the blowne and studding cowshots over the noran, he spat in 23

careful convertedness a musaic dispensation about his hearthstone, 24

if you please, (Irish saliva, mawshe dho hole, but would a respect- 25

able prominently connected fellow of Iro-European ascendances 26

with welldressed ideas who knew the correct thing such as Mr 27

Shallwesigh or Mr Shallwelaugh expectorate after such a callous 28

fashion, no thank yous! when he had his belcher spuckertuck in his 29

pucket, pthuck?) musefed with his thockits after having supped 30

of the dish sot and pottage which he snobbishly dabbed Peach 31

Bombay (it is rawly only Lukanpukan pilzenpie which she knows 32

which senaffed and pibered him), a supreme of excelling peas, 33

balled under minnshogue's milk into whitemalt winesour, a pro- 34

viant the littlebilker hoarsely relished, chaff it, in the snevel season, 35

being as fain o't as your rat wi'fennel; and on this celebrating 36

occasion of the happy escape, for a crowning of pot valiance, 1

this regional platter, benjamin of bouillis, with a spolish olive to 2

middlepoint its zaynith, was marrying itself (porkograso!) ere- 3

busqued very deluxiously with a bottle of Phenice-Bruerie '98, 4

followed for second nuptials by a Piessporter, Grand Cur, of 5

both of which cherished tablelights (though humble the bounquet 6

'tis a leaman's farewell) he obdurately sniffed the cobwebcrusted 7

corks. 8

    Our cad's bit of strife (knee Bareniece Maxwelton) with a quick 9

ear for spittoons (as the aftertale hath it) glaned up as usual with 10

dumbestic husbandry (no persicks and armelians for thee, Pome- 11

ranzia!) but, slipping the clav in her claw, broke of the matter 12

among a hundred and eleven others in her usual curtsey (how 13

faint these first vhespers womanly are, a secret pispigliando, amad 14

the lavurdy den of their manfolker!) the next night nudge one 15

as was Hegesippus over a hup a ' chee, her eys dry and small and 16

speech thicklish because he appeared a funny colour like he 17

couldn't stood they old hens no longer, to her particular reverend, 18

the director, whom she had been meaning in her mind primarily 19

to speak with (hosch, intra! jist a timblespoon!) trusting, between 20

cuppled lips and annie lawrie promises (mighshe never have 21

Esnekerry pudden come Hunanov for her pecklapitschens!) that 22

the gossiple so delivered in his epistolear, buried teatoastally in 23

their Irish stew would go no further than his jesuit's cloth, yet 24

(in vinars venitas! volatiles valetotum!) it was this overspoiled 25

priest Mr Browne, disguised as a vincentian, who, when seized 26

of the facts, was overheard, in his secondary personality as a 27

Nolan and underreared, poul soul, by accident if, that is, the 28

incident it was an accident for here the ruah of Ecclectiastes 29

of Hippo outpuffs the writress of Havvah-ban-Annah to 30

pianissime a slightly varied version of Crookedribs confidentials, 31

(what Mere Aloyse said but for Jesuphine's sake !) hands between 32

hahands, in fealty sworn (my bravor best! my fraur!) and, to the 33

strains of The Secret of Her Birth, hushly pierce the rubiend 34

aurellum of one Philly Thurnston, a layteacher of rural science 35

and orthophonethics of a nearstout figure and about the middle 36

of his forties during a priestly flutter for safe and sane bets at the 1

hippic runfields of breezy Baldoyle on a date (W. W. goes 2

through the card) easily capable of rememberance by all pickers- 3

up of events national and Dublin details, the doubles of Perkin 4

and Paullock, peer and prole, when the classic Encourage Hackney 5

Plate was captured by two noses in a stablecloth finish, ek and nek, 6

some and none, evelo nevelo, from the cream colt Bold Boy 7

Cromwell after a clever getaway by Captain Chaplain Blount's 8

roe hinny Saint Dalough, Drummer Coxon, nondepict third, at 9

breakneck odds, thanks to you great little, bonny little, portey 10

little, Winny Widger! you're all their nappies! who in his never- 11

rip mud and purpular cap was surely leagues unlike any other 12

phantomweight that ever toppitt our timber maggies. 13

    'Twas two pisononse Timcoves (the wetter is pest, the renns are 14

overt and come and the voax of the turfur is hurled on our lande) 15

of the name of Treacle Tom as was just out of pop following the 16

theft of a leg of Kehoe, Donnelly and Packenham's Finnish pork 17

and his own blood and milk brother Frisky Shorty, (he was, to be 18

exquisitely punctilious about them, both shorty and frisky) a tip- 19

ster, come off the hulks, both of them awful poor, what was out 20

on the bumaround for an oofbird game for a jimmy o'goblin or 21

a small thick un as chanced, while the Seaforths was making the 22

colleenbawl, to ear the passon in the motor clobber make use of 23

his law language (Edzo, Edzo on), touchin the case of Mr Adams 24

what was in all the sundays about it which he was rubbing noses 25

with and having a gurgle off his own along of the butty bloke in 26

the specs. 27

    This Treacle Tom to whom reference has been made had 28

been absent from his usual wild and woolly haunts in the land 29

of counties capalleens for some time previous to that (he was, in 30

fact, in the habit of frequenting common lodginghouses where 31

he slept in a nude state, hailfellow with meth, in strange men's 32

cots) but on racenight, blotto after divers tots of hell fire, red 33

biddy, bull dog, blue ruin and creeping jenny, Eglandine's choic- 34

est herbage, supplied by the Duck and Doggies, the Galop- 35

ping Primrose, Brigid Brewster's, the Cock, the Postboy's Horn, 36

the Little Old Man's and All Swell That Aimswell, the Cup and 1

the Stirrup, he sought his wellwarmed leababobed in a hous- 2

ingroom Abide With Oneanother at Block W.W., (why didn't 3

he back it?) Pump Court, The Liberties, and, what with 4

moltapuke on voltapuke, resnored alcoh alcoho alcoherently to 5

the burden of I come, my horse delayed, nom num, the sub- 6

stance of the tale of the evangelical bussybozzy and the rusinur- 7

bean (the 'girls' he would keep calling them for the collarette 8

and skirt, the sunbonnet and carnation) in parts (it seemed he 9

was before the eyots of martas or otherwales the thirds of fossil- 10

years, he having beham with katya when lavinias had her mens 11

lease to sea in a psumpship doodly show whereat he was looking 12

for fight niggers with whilde roarses) oft in the chilly night (the 13

metagonistic! the epickthalamorous!) during uneasy slumber in 14

their hearings of a small and stonybroke cashdraper's executive, 15

Peter Cloran (discharged), O'Mara, an exprivate secretary of no 16

fixed abode (locally known as Mildew Lisa), who had passed 17

several nights, funnish enough, in a doorway under the blankets 18

of homelessness on the bunk of iceland, pillowed upon the stone 19

of destiny colder than man's knee or woman's breast, and 20

Hosty, (no slouch of a name), an illstarred beachbusker, who, 21

sans rootie and sans scrapie, suspicioning as how he was setting 22

on a twoodstool on the verge of selfabyss, most starved, with 23

melancholia over everything in general, (night birman, you served 24

him with natigal's nano !) had been towhead tossing on his shake- 25

down, devising ways and manners of means, of what he loved 26

to ifidalicence somehow or other in the nation getting a hold of 27

some chap's parabellum in the hope of taking a wing sociable 28

and lighting upon a sidewheel dive somewhere off the Dullkey 29

Downlairy and Bleakrooky tramaline where he could throw true 30

and go and blow the sibicidal napper off himself for two bits to 31

boldywell baltitude in the peace and quitybus of a one sure shot 32

bottle, he after having being trying all he knew with the lady's 33

help of Madam Gristle for upwards of eighteen calanders to get 34

out of Sir Patrick Dun's, through Sir Humphrey Jervis's and 35

into the Saint Kevin's bed in the Adelaide's hosspittles (from 36

these incurable welleslays among those uncarable wellasdays 1

through Sant Iago by his cocklehat, goot Lazar, deliver us!) 2

without after having been able to jerrywangle it anysides. Lisa 3

O'Deavis and Roche Mongan (who had so much incommon, 4

epipsychidically; if the phrase be permitted hostis et odor insuper 5

petroperfractus) as an understood thing slept their sleep of the 6

swimborne in the one sweet undulant mother of tumblerbunks 7

with Hosty just how the shavers in the shaw the yokels in the 8

yoats or, well, the wasters in the wilde, and the bustling tweeny- 9

dawn-of-all-works (meed of anthems here we pant!) had not been 10

many jiffies furbishing potlids, doorbrasses, scholars' applecheeks 11

and linkboy's metals when, ashhopperminded like no fella he go 12

make bakenbeggfuss longa white man, the rejuvenated busker (for 13

after a goodnight's rave and rumble and a shinkhams topmorning 14

with his coexes he was not the same man) and his broadawake 15

bedroom suite (our boys, as our Byron called them) were up 16

and ashuffle from the hogshome they lovenaned The Barrel, cross 17

Ebblinn's chilled hamlet (thrie routes and restings on their then 18

superficies curiously correspondant with those linea and puncta 19

where our tubenny habenny metro maniplumbs below the ober- 20

flake underrails and stations at this time of riding) to the thrum- 21

mings of a crewth fiddle which, cremoaning and cronauning, levey 22

grevey, witty and wevey, appy, leppy and playable, caressed the 23

ears of the subjects of King Saint Finnerty the Festive who, in 24

brick homes of their own and in their flavory fraiseberry beds, 25

heeding hardly cry of honeyman, soed lavender or foyneboyne 26

salmon alive, with their priggish mouths all open for the larger 27

appraisiation of this longawaited Messiagh of roaratorios, were 28

only halfpast atsweeeep and after a brisk pause at a pawnbroking 29

establishment for the prothetic purpose of redeeming the song- 30

ster's truly admirable false teeth and a prolonged visit to a house 31

of call at Cujas Place, fizz, the Old Sots' Hole in the parish of 32

Saint Cecily within the liberty of Ceolmore not a thousand or one 33

national leagues, that was, by Griffith's valuation, from the site 34

of the statue of Primewer Glasstone setting a match to the march 35

of a maker (last of the stewards peut-être), where, the tale rambles 36

along, the trio of whackfolthediddlers was joined by a further 1

intentions apply tomorrow casual and a decent sort of the 2

hadbeen variety who had just been touching the weekly insult, 3

phewit, and all figblabbers (who saith of noun?) had stimulants 4

in the shape of gee and gees stood by the damn decent sort after 5

which stag luncheon and a few ones more just to celebrate yester- 6

day, flushed with their firestuffostered friendship, the rascals came 7

out of the licensed premises, (Browne's first, the small p.s. ex-ex- 8

executive capahand in their sad rear like a lady's postscript: I want 9

money. Pleasend), wiping their laughleaking lipes on their sleeves, 10

how the bouckaleens shout their roscan generally (seinn fion, 11

seinn fion's araun.) and the rhymers' world was with reason the 12

richer for a wouldbe ballad, to the balledder of which the world 13

of cumannity singing owes a tribute for having placed on the 14

planet's melomap his lay of the vilest bogeyer but most attrac- 15

tionable avatar the world has ever had to explain for. 16

    This, more krectly lubeen or fellow me lieder was first 17

poured forth where Riau Liviau riots and col de Houdo humps, 18

under the shadow of the monument of the shouldhavebeen legis- 19

lator (Eleutheriodendron! Spare, woodmann, spare!) to an over- 20

flow meeting of all the nations in Lenster fullyfilling the visional 21

area and, as a singleminded supercrowd, easily representative, 22

what with masks, whet with faces, of all sections and cross sections 23

(wineshop and cocoahouse poured out to brim up the broaching) 24

of our liffeyside people (to omit to mention of the mainland mino- 25

rity and such as had wayfared via Watling, Ernin, Icknild and 26

Stane, in chief a halted cockney car with its quotal of Hardmuth's 27

hacks, a northern tory, a southern whig, an eastanglian chroni- 28

cler and a landwester guardian) ranging from slips of young 29

dublinos from Cutpurse Row having nothing better to do than 30

walk about with their hands in their kneepants, sucking air- 31

whackers, weedulicet, jumbobricks, side by side with truant 32

officers, three woollen balls and poplin in search of a croust of 33

pawn to busy professional gentlemen, a brace of palesmen with 34

dundrearies, nooning toward Daly's, fresh from snipehitting and 35

mallardmissing on Rutland heath, exchanging cold sneers, mass- 36

going ladies from Hume Street in their chairs, the bearers baited, 1

some wandering hamalags out of the adjacent cloverfields of 2

Mosse's Gardens, an oblate father from Skinner's Alley, brick- 3

layers, a fleming, in tabinet fumant, with spouse and dog, an aged 4

hammersmith who had some chisellers by the hand, a bout of 5

cudgel players, not a few sheep with the braxy, two bluecoat 6

scholars, four broke gents out of Simpson's on the Rocks, a 7

portly and a pert still tassing Turkey Coffee and orange shrub in 8

tickeyes door, Peter Pim and Paul Fry and then Elliot and, O, 9

Atkinson, suffering hell's delights from the blains of their annui- 10

tants' acorns not forgetting a deuce of dianas ridy for the hunt, a 11

particularist prebendary pondering on the roman easter, the ton- 12

sure question and greek uniates, plunk em, a lace lappet head or 13

two or three or four from a window, and so on down to a few good 14

old souls, who, as they were juiced after taking their pledge over at 15

the uncle's place, were evidently under the spell of liquor, from the 16

wake of Tarry the Tailor a fair girl, a jolly postoboy thinking off 17

three flagons and one, a plumodrole, a half sir from the weaver's 18

almshouse who clings and clings and chatchatchat clings to her, a 19

wholedam's cloudhued pittycoat, as child, as curiolater, as Caoch 20

O'Leary. The wararrow went round, so it did, (a nation wants 21

a gaze) and the ballad, in the felibrine trancoped metre affectioned 22

by Taiocebo in his Casudas de Poulichinello Artahut, stump- 23

stampaded on to a slip of blancovide and headed by an excessively 24

rough and red woodcut, privately printed at the rimepress of 25

Delville, soon fluttered its secret on white highway and brown 26

byway to the rose of the winds and the blew of the gaels, from 27

archway to lattice and from black hand to pink ear, village crying 28

to village, through the five pussyfours green of the united states 29

of Scotia Picta and he who denays it, may his hairs be rubbed 30

in dirt! To the added strains (so peacifold) of his majesty the 31

flute, that onecrooned king of inscrewments, Piggott's purest, ciello 32

alsoliuto, which Mr Delaney (Mr Delacey?), horn, anticipating 33

a perfect downpour of plaudits among the rapsods, piped 34

out of his decentsoort hat, looking still more like his purseyful 35

namesake as men of Gaul noted, but before of to sputabout, the 36

snowycrested curl amoist the leader's wild and moulting hair, 1

'Ductor' Hitchcock hoisted his fezzy fuzz at bludgeon's height 2

signum to his companions of the chalice for the Loud Fellow, 3

boys' and silentium in curia! (our maypole once more where he rose 4

of old) and the canto was chantied there chorussed and christened 5

where by the old tollgate, Saint Annona's Street and Church. 6

    And around the lawn the rann it rann and this is the rann that 7

Hosty made. Spoken. Boyles and Cahills, Skerretts and Pritchards, 8

viersified and piersified may the treeth we tale of live in stoney. 9

Here line the refrains of. Some vote him Vike, some mote him 10

Mike, some dub him Llyn and Phin while others hail him Lug 11

Bug Dan Lop, Lex, Lax, Gunne or Guinn. Some apt him Arth, 12

some bapt him Barth, Coll, Noll, Soll, Will, Weel, Wall but I 13

parse him Persse O'Reilly else he's called no name at all. To- 14

gether. Arrah, leave it to Hosty, frosty Hosty, leave it to Hosty 15

for he's the mann to rhyme the rann, the rann, the rann, the king 16

of all ranns. Have you here? (Some ha) Have we where? (Some 17

hant) Have you hered? (Others do) Have we whered? (Others dont) 18

It's cumming, it's brumming! The clip, the clop! (All cla) Glass 19

crash. The (klikkaklakkaklaskaklopatzklatschabattacreppycrotty- 20

graddaghsemmihsammihnouithappluddyappladdypkonpkot!). 21

{ Ardite, arditi! 22

Music cue. 23

 


  
Have you heard of one Humpty Dumpty 1

How he fell with a roll and a rumble 2

And curled up like Lord Olofa Crumple 3

By the butt of the Magazine Wall, 4

    (Chorus) Of the Magazine Wall, 5

                  Hump, helmet and all? 6

He was one time our King of the Castle 7

Now he's kicked about like a rotten old parsnip. 8

And from Green street he'll be sent by order of His Worship 9

To the penal jail of Mountjoy 10

11

    (Chorus) To the jail of Mountjoy! 12

                    Jail him and joy. 13

14

He was fafafather of all schemes for to bother us 15

Slow coaches and immaculate contraceptives for the populace, 16

Mare's milk for the sick, seven dry Sundays a week, 17

Openair love and religion's reform, 18

    (Chorus) And religious reform, 19

                    Hideous in form. 20

21

Arrah, why, says you, couldn't he manage it? 22

I'll go bail, my fine dairyman darling, 23

Like the bumping bull of the Cassidys 24

All your butter is in your horns. 25

    (Chorus) His butter is in his horns. 26

                    Butter his horns! 27

28

(Repeat) Hurrah there, Hosty, frosty Hosty, change that shirt 29

                                                                                        [on ye, 30

Rhyme the rann, the king of all ranns! 31


    Balbaccio, balbuccio! 32

We had chaw chaw chops, chairs, chewing gum, the chicken- 33

                                                          [pox and china chambers 34

Universally provided by this soffsoaping salesman. 35



  
Small wonder He'll Cheat E'erawan our local lads nicknamed him 1

When Chimpden first took the floor 2

    (Chorus) With his bucketshop store 3

                  Down Bargainweg, Lower. 4

5

So snug he was in his hotel premises sumptuous 6

But soon we'll bonfire all his trash, tricks and trumpery 7

And'tis short till sheriff Clancy'll be winding up his unlimited 8

                                                                                      [company 9

With the bailiff's bom at the door, 10

    (Chorus) Bimbam at the door. 11

                  Then he'll bum no more. 12

13

Sweet bad luck on the waves washed to our island 14

The hooker of that hammerfast viking 15

And Gall's curse on the day when Eblana bay 16

Saw his black and tan man-o'-war. 17

    (Chorus) Saw his man-o'-war. 18

                      On the harbour bar. 19

20

Where from? roars Poolbeg. Cookingha'pence, he bawls Donnez- 21

    [moi scampitle, wick an wipin'fampiny 22

Fingal Mac Oscar Onesine Bargearse Boniface 23

Thok's min gammelhole Norveegickers moniker 24

Og as ay are at gammelhore Norveegickers cod. 25

    (Chorus) A Norwegian camel old cod. 26

                    He is, begod. 27

28

Lift it, Hosty, lift it, ye devil ye! up with the rann, the rhyming 29

                                                                                              [rann! 30

It was during some fresh water garden pumping 31

Or, according to the Nursing Mirror, while admiring the mon- 32

                                                                                          [keys 33

That our heavyweight heathen Humpharey 34

Made bold a maid to woo 35

    (Chorus) Woohoo, what'll she doo! 36

                      The general lost her maidenloo! 37

He ought to blush for himself, the old hayheaded philosopher, 1

For to go and shove himself that way on top of her. 2

Begob, he's the crux of the catalogue 3

Of our antediluvial zoo, 4

    (Chorus) Messrs. Billing and Coo. 5

    Noah's larks, good as noo. 6

7

He was joulting by Wellinton's monument 8

Our rotorious hippopopotamuns 9

When some bugger let down the backtrap of the omnibus 10

And he caught his death of fusiliers, 11

    (Chorus) With his rent in his rears. 12

    Give him six years. 13

14

'Tis sore pity for his innocent poor children 15

But look out for his missus legitimate! 16

When that frew gets a grip of old Earwicker 17

Won't there be earwigs on the green? 18

    (Chorus) Big earwigs on the green, 19

    The largest ever you seen. 20

21

Suffoclose! Shikespower! Seudodanto! Anonymoses! 22

23

Then we'll have a free trade Gaels' band and mass meeting 24

For to sod the brave son of Scandiknavery. 25

And we'll bury him down in Oxmanstown 26

Along with the devil and Danes, 27

    (Chorus) With the deaf and dumb Danes, 28

    And all their remains. 29

30

And not all the king's men nor his horses 31

Will resurrect his corpus 32

For there's no true spell in Connacht or hell 33

    (bis) That's able to raise a Cain. 34

    Chest Cee! 'Sdense! Corpo di barragio! you spoof of visibility 1

in a freakfog, of mixed sex cases among goats, hill cat and plain 2

mousey, Bigamy Bob and his old Shanvocht! The Blackfriars 3

treacle plaster outrage be liddled! Therewith was released in that 4

kingsrick of Humidia a poisoning volume of cloud barrage indeed. 5

Yet all they who heard or redelivered are now with that family 6

of bards and Vergobretas himself and the crowd of Caraculacticors 7

as much no more as be they not yet now or had they then not- 8

ever been. Canbe in some future we shall presently here amid 9

those zouave players of Inkermann the mime mumming the mick 10

and his nick miming their maggies, Hilton St Just (Mr Frank 11

Smith), Ivanne Ste Austelle (Mr J. F. Jones), Coleman of Lucan 12

taking four parts, a choir of the O'Daley O'Doyles doublesixing 13

the chorus in Fenn Mac Call and the Serven Feeries of Loch Neach, 14

Galloper Troppler and Hurleyquinn the zitherer of the past with his 15

merrymen all, zimzim, zimzim. Of the persins sin this Eyrawyg- 16

gla saga (which, thorough readable to int from and, is from tubb 17

to buttom all falsetissues, antilibellous and nonactionable and this 18

applies to its whole wholume) of poor Osti-Fosti, described as 19

quite a musical genius in a small way and the owner of an 20

exceedingly niced ear, with tenorist voice to match, not alone, 21

but a very major poet of the poorly meritary order (he began 22

Tuonisonian but worked his passage up as far as the we-all- 23

hang-together Animandovites) no one end is known. If they 24

whistled him before he had curtains up they are whistling him 1

still after his curtain's doom's doom. Ei fù His husband, poor old 2

A'Hara (Okaroff?) crestfallen by things and down at heels at the 3

time, they squeak, accepted the (Zassnoch!) ardree's shilling at 4

the conclusion of the Crimean war and, having flown his wild 5

geese, alohned in crowds to warnder on like Shuley Luney, 6

enlisted in Tyrone's horse, the Irish whites, and soldiered a bit 7

with Wolsey under the assumed name of Blanco Fusilovna Buck- 8

lovitch (spurious) after which the cawer and the marble halls 9

of Pump Court Columbarium, the home of the old seakings, 10

looked upon each other and queth their haven evermore for it 11

transpires that on the other side of the water it came about that on 12

the field of Vasileff's Cornix inauspiciously with his unit he 13

perished, saying, this papal leafless to old chap give, rawl chaw- 14

clates for mouther-in-louth. Booil. Poor old dear Paul Horan, 15

to satisfy his literary as well as his criminal aspirations, at the 16

suggestion thrown out by the doomster in loquacity lunacy, so 17

says the Dublin Intelligence, was thrown into a Ridley's for 18

inmates in the northern counties. Under the name of Orani he 19

may have been the utility man of the troupe capable of sustain- 20

ing long parts at short notice. He was. Sordid Sam, a dour decent 21

deblancer, the unwashed, haunted always by his ham, the unwished, 22

at a word from Israfel the Summoner, passed away painlessly 23

after life's upsomdowns one hallowe'en night, ebbrous and in 24

the state of nature, propelled from Behind into the great Beyond 25

by footblows coulinclouted upon his oyster and atlas on behanged 26

and behooved and behicked and behulked of his last fishandblood 27

bedscrappers, a Northwegian and his mate of the Sheawolving 28

class. Though the last straw glimt his baring this stage thunkhard 29

is said (the pitfallen gagged him as 'Promptboxer') to have 30

solemnly said as had the brief thot but fell in till his head like 31

a bass dropt neck fust in till a bung crate (cogged!): Me drames, 32

O'Loughlins, has come through! Now let the centuple celves of 33

my egourge as Micholas de Cusack calls them, of all of whose 34

I in my hereinafter of course by recourse demission me by 35

the coincidance of their contraries reamalgamerge in that indentity 36

of undiscernibles where the Baxters and the Fleshmans may 1

they cease to bidivil uns and (but at this poingt though the iron 2

thrust of his cockspurt start might have prepared us we are well- 3

nigh stinkpotthered by the mustardpunge in the tailend) this 4

outandin brown candlestock melt Nolan's into peese! Han var. 5

Disliken as he was to druriodrama, her wife Langley, the prophet, 6

and the decentest dozendest short of a frusker whoever stuck his 7

spickle through his spoke, disappeared, (in which toodooing he 8

has taken all the French leaves unveilable out of Calomne- 9

quiller's Pravities) from the sourface of this earth, that austral 10

plain he had transmaried himself to, so entirely spoorlessly (the 11

mother of the book with a dustwhisk tabularasing his obliteration 12

done upon her involucrum) as to tickle the speculative to all but 13

opine (since the Levey who might have been Langley may have 14

really been a redivivus of paganinism or a volunteer Vousden) 15

that the hobo (who possessed a large amount of the humoresque) 16

had transtuled his funster's latitat to its finsterest interrimost. Bhi 17

she. Again, if Father San Browne, tea and toaster to that quaint- 18

esttest of yarnspinners is Padre Don Bruno, treu and troster to 19

the queen of Iar-Spain, was the reverend, the sodality director, 20

that eupeptic viceflayer, a barefaced carmelite, to whose palpi- 21

tating pulpit (which of us but remembers the rarevalent and 22

hornerable Fratomistor Nawlanmore and Brawne.) sinning society 23

sirens (see the [Roman Catholic] presspassim) fortunately became 24

so enthusiastically attached and was an objectionable ass who very 25

occasionally cockaded a raffles ticket on his hat which he wore all 26

to one side like the hangle of his pan (if Her Elegance saw him 27

she'd have the canary!) and was semiprivately convicted of mal- 28

practices with his hotwashed tableknife (glossing over the cark 29

in his pocket) that same snob of the dunhill, fully several year- 30

schaums riper, encountered by the General on that redletter 31

morning or maynoon jovesday and were they? Fuitfuit. 32

    When Phishlin Phil wants throws his lip 'tis pholly to be fortune 33

flonting and whoever's gone to mix Hotel by the salt say water 34

there's nix to nothing we can do for he's never again to sea. It 35

is nebuless an autodidact fact of the commonest that the shape of 36